on perfectionism and learning to love the journey

i thought i should post this. i wrote it a few weeks ago. there are some recent additions at the end.

i graduated today. i felt like a superstar sitting up on the stand with all the deans and chairs and bigshots with my blingy medallion. it felt really great. but you know, worldy success is fleeting. it's interesting...although i should be very proud of my academic accomplishments all i can think about are the awards that i didn't get. silly, isn't it? but i was thinking that worldly accomplishments are like that. you work and work and work and the rewards are fleeting, almost thankless. in olympic women's gymnastics two americans took gold and silver in the individual all-arounds. and it was evident on the silver medalist's face that she was disappointed! it looked like she was thinking about all that she could have done to improve. in the end she said she was happy with the silver but i can understand her feelings of disappointment. we always want what we fell short of. and i think my competitive nature doesn't help that feeling. but it's hard being a perfectionist; i think it takes away some of the fun of the journey.

in contrast to that, i was thinking about the happiest times of my life. they were times i've spent with my family. the day i got married. time i've spent with chris. that is what is most important in my life. the glory and happiness of those memories doens't fade even with time. interesting, isn't it? i realize at the end of my scholastic journey that my eye was always on the destination when i could have enjoyed the journey more. but...it's a lesson learned and i feel like i'm in a very good place now as i'm reevaluating what i'm doing with my life and realizing what my real goals are. i feel like i'm in a good place for God to direct my life and i know that He will. He has always helped me in the past and i know that He will help me at this time, as well.

i have been thinking a lot lately about what i'm going to do after graduation. do i want to go to grad school? if so, what do i want to study? what kind of career do i want to pursue? as i was thinking in the temple the thought came to me, "it doesn't much matter what you do. your mission in life is not your career, education, or worldly accomplishments. your mission is to love." TO LOVE?! HOW MUCH MORE VAGUE CAN YOU GET?! that was my reply but in actuality i thought, "yep, that's about what i'm good at." and what more noble mission in life can you have? so...that's my next task- to figure out how i can best spread love through my career and service and life. not a big task at all...



and an addition from TODAY:

so i haven't been able to shake the thought that i haven't been making te most of my journey. i was reading the other day and i came across a wonderful explanation of what i'd been thinking. from psychotherapist, abby seixas: "if you're doing one thing, but in your mind you're off somewhere else doing another thing, you don't get that complete experience because you're not really there. you can't smell the roses if you're multitasking."

funny thing, i'm multitasking as i'm writing this. reading, chatting, and writing this at the same time. i'm impossible.

"the awareness - making whatever you are doing the goal rather than just a means to an end - is the path to a balanced life." so a new goal for myself- be present. i don't think this will come easily. years of experience have taught me to do otherwise. but i'm trying.