coping with getting bigger

maybe it's because i'm a female. or maybe i have some body-image or control issues. either way, it has been a roller-coaster to watch my body change since i've been pregnant and have little control over it. here i am at 5 weeks, the day i found out i was pregnant (and in serious need of a non-beatles haircut):

at first i wanted to make sure i stayed small. when i noticed my waist getting a little thicker and my pants getting a little tighter, i just wore different clothes so it wasn't noticable. but now i am getting an undeniable baby bump. here it is:

maybe you guessed, but it's not yet super-visible to people who don't know me. so i am at this awkward stage where i feel big but no one else can tell i'm even pregnant! i went shopping last week with some christmas money and man, was it depressing. i couldn't shop at my normal stores because everything there made me look fat. there are just certain cuts and fabrics that are so unforgiving. so i tried the maternity store, but nothing there suited my taste (my taste to not feel like a huge manatee?).

well, i had my moment of reckoning last night. i have been wearing my recently-purchased, first pair of maternity pants all last week because they're so comfortable. but then last night i thought i'd wear a pair of my normal jeans to go out with chris. haha, terrible idea! i had to suck in to get them on, suck in the whole time and spend the night feeling totally tight and uncomfortable! it was my time of acknowledgement: i am getting bigger. and bigger. and going to get bigger.

so i'm accepting it. and hoping that the little baby will grow quickly so i can finally look pregnant in maternity clothes instead of just "thick."